this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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