the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can I color on your dick again?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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