i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
