Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
