Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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