I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
