My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
