my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
