Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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it's like heaven, but drunker
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
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We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize