I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
