dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
