I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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