wrigley field is MILF paradise
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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