found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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