I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
