Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
