From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
