From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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