Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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