sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
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i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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