i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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