why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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