I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
