just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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