its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
