I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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