Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
