God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You're like the curious george of whores
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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