He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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