i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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