she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
