I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Randomize
