Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
