doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
