I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
