I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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