I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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