I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
