Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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