Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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