I think im going to throw up on grandma
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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