im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
