This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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