I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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