He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
