3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
there's paper in my vomit.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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