all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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