So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me