cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened