i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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