Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
