Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
