If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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