from now on my penis is your penis
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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