wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
