just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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