I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
