Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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